Sunday, December 27, 2015

Things to do if you are an Evil Overlord

I am a list maker.  I love lists.  I love to write down everything I need to do and then cross each one of as it is completed.  It gives me a great sense of satisfaction.  Sometimes I even add things that weren't on the list to the list after I finish them, just so that I can cross them off.

I remember reading this years ago but in light of the new Star Wars movie, it is worth a re-read.  This is a list that was started as a listserve discussion in the early nineties and then compiled, refined, and copyrighted in about 1996.  I give you a taste and encourage you to read more on Peter Anspach's web page here.

The taste:

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
  6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
  7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
  8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
  10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
Read on.

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